Memories

Since the release of my book On the Edge, life has been weird for me.  The book has forced some memories that I had pushed away to resurface.  I only remembered a handful of violent situations with my (ex) husband but I was storing so many other situations deep in my subconscious.  I opened up to my husband last night, through tears, about my memories.  Every day, after my 18th birthday, was full of physical abuse.  I hid those memories because I needed to believe that I wasn't "stupid" enough to stay with abuse that raged daily.  Memories of being slammed against walls, punched in my legs and arms, hands around my throat and being chased with baseball bats began to flood back, almost overnight.  I remember praying for God to make be "behave" so that he would love me and want to stop hurting me.  It seemed that my whole life was full of doing things to make others love me.  Wanting my mom to love me, my (ex) husband to love me, friends, and distant family.

Memories flooded back of all the times that I could have escaped.  I was a criminal justice major, I could have showed my instructor (a retired Sheriff's Deputy) the bruises and marks on my body and he would have saved me.  I could have went to my friends (a police officer and his wife) for help and he would have helped me.  I could have told the Sheriff's Deputy that did a welfare check on me that I was not safe and he would have helped me.  I could have done any of those things (before marriage) and I would have been safe but I didn't.  I was too psychologically messed up to reach out for help.  I was too damaged to ask for help.  I was too afraid to seek help.

Through this book, I discovered that I was trying to make people love me when their love should come easily and wantingly.  Through this book, I found that I was already loved just not from those that I had been trying to get to love me.  My husband has been through hell and back with me.  Anger and fear filled me and he took the worst of it all.  He loves me enough that he stayed with me and it paid off.  I figured myself out and realized that I was angry because of the memories that I held deep down.  I am better for this book.  I am a stronger person because of my past.  If I got to do life over again, I would not change a single thing about my past.  Because of my past, I am who I am and I am surrounded by love and support.

~V.E. Avance~